Indonesian polygamy club

Indonesian Polygyny Club

An interesting article... what do you guys think about it?

South Africa - Marrying 4 Wives at once?

Weenen – Milton Mbhele showed up for his wedding on Saturday in a white limousine – with four brides.

The women each received rings and a kiss from the groom at the ceremony, which was attended by hundreds of people.

South African law recognises traditional polygamous marriages – even President Jacob Zuma has three wives. Yet while polygamy remains common among several tribes including the Zulus and Swazis, simultaneous weddings are rare.

Mbhele, 44, a municipal manager in nearby Indaka, said the joint celebration would save money by combining the festivities. A traditional ceremony was planned for Sunday and there is to be a traditional exchange of gifts between the groom and his wives’ families on Monday.

Mbhele has already been married to Thobile Vilakazi for 12 years and has 11 children, but did not specify who their mothers are.

“I want her to be happy,” he said of Vilakazi, who was also given a gold wristwatch at Saturday’s ceremony. “I think getting married to her for the second time would make her happy since I will be taking in three other wives so this will relieve her in some way.”

His “middle wives” – as he described them – are Zanele Langa and Happiness Mdlolo, both 24.

The youngest wife, 23-year-old Smangele Cele, said she was looking forward to marrying Mbhele, even though it means she’ll have to share him. She said the wives planned to live separately, with their husband rotating between them.

“It is because of the way in which he shows his love for me. He loves me in all ways,” she said, adding: “We will not be living in the same house and we take each other as friends.”

taken from News24

The First Wife

Salam Alaykum & Hello...

The First Wife - By~A First Wife 7/15/93

Taken from Muslimah Inspirations.

I am an American Revert and never in my life thought that poligyny would have any place in my life. Subhan'Allah, it has had probably the biggest impact on my life than anything after taking shahada and the birth of my son !

I have to admit that this has been the biggest test from Allah and I am still not sure that I have passed it - but I would like to share my story because I have searched everywhere and can't find any Muslim women who are the "first" wife and are willing to share their insights.

There are plenty of women who are the second wife who talk about trying to cope with jealousy and fear, etc. The feelings that a first wife go through are different, though, I suspect. I felt jealousy and fear but I also had to struggle with feelings of inadequacy, betrayal, lonliness and loss...

Let me begin my story by saying that I became Muslimah after meeting my husband, alhamduLILAH. I found it to be the easiest and most understandable religion. In all of my studies, I never found any teaching or belief that contradicted another in Islam. Even when I studied poligyny, I thought " It makes sense. There are many proofs that it is difficult for men to stay with one woman and with poligyny he is responsible for the women. He cannot simply have an affair and go on his merry way !" However, when my own dear husband brought up his desire to add to his family by marrying, I was not thinking "It makes sense !" I was devasted... I felt like a failure. I was sure that he was sick of me. I felt guilty that I hadn't kept him happy. I hadn't been able to meet his needs and wants. I thought that he probably wanted to be rid of me but felt sorry for me and didn't divorce me.

I know all of these feelings might seem crazy to others but they were real for me. A lot of women that I shared this with told me that this is Shaitan whispering to you. That may be so, but no matter what I did the feelings didn't go away for long. I read Quran and prayed but still I didn't feel relief. I was tortured daily with the knowledge that my husband was actively searching for a new woman to meet the needs that I had failed at. Please don't assume that these needs are sexual. This was the easier thing for me to understand since I had been raised knowing that 'that's all men want'. NO, I was depressed because I felt that I hadn't been his Partner - I hadn't inspired him in his career, I hadn't made his home a place of peace, I hadn't learned to cook his favorite meals. I argued with him and ignored him when I was tired or busy. All of my inadequacies were floating in my mind from the day that he started his search.

I also had to face the lonliness of watching my husband throw himself into the tireless search. He spent hour after hour, day after day looking for the right woman. It was all done online so I mostly just saw the back of his head at the computer ! This only fueled my jealousy more ! I got angry then and began to hate him and any woman that he was considering. I don't think that my husband meant to ignore me but everything he does - he does with passion and total commitment. But I felt ignored and lonely. It was at this point that I wished and prayed that he would find someone just so that we could get on with our lives and be done with the whole idea. The problem, however, is that I never totally got past the feelings of inadequacy and fear of losing my husband and child ( I feared that the new wife would be so great that he would divorce me and have her raise my beloved son !)

I suppose that some of you are saying 'This woman is really crazy or paranoid !' I am trying to be totally honest in my feelings and thought pattern in hopes that other people in this situation ( including husbands and new wives) can understand. I hope that any first wives out there can know that they aren't bad or crazy and that these feelings can be overcome...

Well, let me continue with my story: my husband has remarried, Al hamduLilah... it did not devastate me, in fact it made me stronger. I think that an old saying is true - that Allah only gives us what we can handle. Or 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger !' During my husband's honeymoon, I decided that I had to learn to cope and live within Allah's will for my life without fear or hate. I decided that I would want what is best for my husband and accept whatever makes him happy. Afterall, isn't that the duty of a wife ?

To do all that she can to make her husband comfortable ? These new thoughts were a great relief to me but unfortunately were very difficult to keep in mind as the old thoughts would sneak their way back into my mind. Maybe this was the work of Shaitan, afterall ? I don't think that I had totally renewed my thinking because shortly after my husband's return he began looking for wife #3... and this time the woman was younger than me and had a lot of the qualities that I felt I lacked - so back came the old feelings of inadequacy and fear and anger that I had fought so hard to lose just a few weeks before.

I felt that this battle was really too much for me. I had been through this for nearly two years and I didn't think I could take it anymore ! That is when I began to distance myself from the whole idea and decide that I wanted nothing at all to do with poligyny... My husband could go and live with the other women and I would just devote my life to my son. I didn't want to feel the pain anymore. However, I knew that deep down I would always feel that pain because I would feel that I gave up or lost my husband ! I knew that I had to find some peace from this horror. I couldn't blame my husband anymore... it was obvious that the problem was my own self esteem. I began reading online about poligyny ( mostly Christian because there were no stories about Muslim first wives) and discovered that all of the women who were happy in this lifestyle were strong, happy, self- satisfied and dedicated to God. I thought to myself, " I want to be that way." I knew then that my responsibility to my husband wasn't to MAKE him happy because no human can do that for another. All that I can do is share my best qualities with him and wish for him what I wish for myself !

That second part is important because I know that I wouldn't want to be limited to only one friend or one family member to share my life with... I rely on my friends so much for advice and learning and sharing Islam and the love of Allah. What if my husband told me " You can only share your life with me." I would die because I can't imagine that limitation. I realized that my husband has always related well to women, not men. It is haram for him to have close friendships with women and he obviously misses that female connection.

Just as I would miss it if I was limited to only my husband or only one girlfriend. I began to let go of my own self doubt and realized that I was being selfish ! My self - esteem has always been low and really has nothing to do with my husband 's desires or needs. I asked Allah for forgiveness and decided that I would allow my husband to be happy without hindering or trapping him in my own fears. May Allah guide me and lead me peacefully to better feelings about myself.

Yesterday, I talked to my co-wife for the first time. She is a pleasant and interesting woman. It is no wonder that my husband liked her. She is benefitted from my husband because she was lonely and a new muslima. How selfish I was being to try to keep him from re-marrying ! I have to admit that I am not as jealous of her than the new perspective wife because she is older than I am but I remind myself when these feelings come back that I may find a new and better peace than what I have now... I just have to trust Allah and be willing to grow under His Guidance. Maybe this new wife will become my best friend or maybe Allah has plans that I can't even imagine... I just have to sit back and remember what is important in life - my submission to Allah and my dedication to Islam... Shaitan will always be around to remind me what I lack and I think that this will be the greatest test in my life - AllahuAlim

Jazaka'Allah khair to all of you who made it through this long post :) I hope that there will be many comments and stories to follow so that we may all learn and share insha'Allah. Please, feel cautious to blame my husband because I have done enough of that already ! Whatever faults he may have, they have no issue with poligyny and I would have had to go through this test of selfishness and poor self esteem no matter how perfect my dear husband had been.

Please, if you are a first wife or a maybe soon to be first wife, please share your story with me:)

The Second Wife

Salam Alaykum & Hello...

The Second Wife - By Shariffa Carlo Al Andalusia

I heard a commentary the other day which hit home like little else has in a long time. A news commentator had just finished interviewing some local youngsters on the impact that the Clinton/Lewinsky affair had upon them. Most of the young people said the same. "It is personal." "Let him be." "No one is perfect." and so forth... The commentator, when summing up his report said, "The President is supposed to represent the morals and values of the society that he represents." He paused and then said, "Maybe that is the problem."

That pretty much summed it up. Clinton represents the morals and values of America. He is the poster-child for the greedy, over-indulgent American who is concerned with nothing more than self gratification. So why do so many Muslims idealize this society? Why are so many of us so enamoured with the values of these people that we either appologize for or even deny basic tenents of our belief?

One such tenent is polygyny. Polygyny is the practice of marrying more than one wife. Unfortunately, often the term polygamy - the practice of marrying more than one spouse is used to describe the practice in Islam. This is incorrect. Islam allows more than one wife, up to four.

I have found that Muslims have fallen prey to the Western ideal of one woman for one man, which is laughable when you look to the reality of their relationships. The majority of men admit to committing adultery and a growing number of women do the same. The system in the West has been described by some as serial monogomy because of the insane divorce rate, but is in reality little more than a charade for an open unchecked worship of human desire.

Unfortunately, I have heard Muslim women say, I would rather that my husband commit adultery than that he bring a second wife. What a low state we have reached that such a comment could ever come from a Muslim. May Allah (SWT) Guide us, Ameen!

I have even heard Muslims actually ask, "Why is it allowed for men but not for women to have more than one spouse at a time?" Our level of faith in the Wisdom of Allah has fallen to such an all-time low, that we no longer think that it is wrong or even disliked to question the judgement of Allah.

Too many of us follow the West into the lizard hole, and we don't even bother to take a light with us to see if it is safe. We no longer care. We assume that they know what they are doing and we jump in with no fear. I wish such Muslims would have the same amount of faith in Allah (SWT) that they have in the West.

We have to start dealing with Islamic issues with the eyes and ears and minds of Muslims, not with the tongues of the Kafirs, Insha-Allah. Look to this society. Any sane, rational human being can see the destruction they have brought upon themselves with their modern concepts of love, justice, equality and human rights. The only true definitions of these concepts are those revealed by Allah (SWT) and taught and practiced by His beloved Messenger. America has shown itself to be devoid of values, time and time again, but too many Muslims blindly ignore the results of these actions and continue to follow them, footstep by footstep.

Allah (SWT) has made it so easy for us. He has given us all that we need to deal with any issue that may present itself. He has paved an even, straight path for us, so why do so many of us consistantly veer to roads that are clearly wraught with danger and isapointment? Allah (SWT) has blessed us with guidance. He has blessed us with knowledge. He has blessed us with Islam. So, which of the blessings of our Lord will we ignore?

Allah (SWT) says,

"... Marry of the women that please you; two, three or four, but if you fear you will not be able to deal justly, then only one..."(An-Nisa 4:3)

I have looked to this statement many times. Some people point out to me the part that speaks of dealing justly, and they match it with, "And you have it not in your power to do justice between wives, even though you may wish (it), but be not disinclined (from one) with total disinclination, so that you leave her as it were in suspense; and if you effect a reconciliation and guard (against evil), then surely Allah is Forgiving, Merciful." (An-Nisa 4:129).

Here, they say, it is impossible for a person to be fair, therefore it is not allowed to marry more than one. This does not match what is written. The verse says to not desert them. How can this be a command to not marry more than one? Also, I find this theory hard to accept since I know that the prophet, the companions, the second generation, the third generation and so forth were all practicers of polygyny. If it were wrong, or even makru - as some state - then we would not find the majority among our best generations practicing it.

Then, we have others who claim that Polygyny is only in cases where war has taken the majority of the men, or in special circumstances - like when the woman can not bear children or when the woman is sick.

However, once again, I do not find this the case when I look to the history of Islam. It was not less practiced by the wise knowledgable ones in Islamic history in times of peace, nor was it ever restricted to certain conditions. Actually, we don't begin to see any problems with polygyny as a practice until the West began to exert influence over the Muslims.

Even as recently as the first World War, we see the bedouin Arabs proud of the fact that they have this practice as a part of their religion. What few problems we have are seen in the apologists who were trying to please the West by softening the image of Islam. These people even apologized for the practice of divorce which Islam allowed for centuries, while Christianity forbid it. Now, I wish I could see the faces of these same apologists if they could see the divorce rate of the West. Would they stop apologizing for it now that the West has not only accepted the practice, but embraced it wholeheartedly?

At any rate, when I look to this verse, I clearly see the if - then statement. As a computer lover, this immediately strikes me. If - then. This is a simple logic problem. Do A. If A is not possible, then do B — giving precedence to A and using B as an exception to the rule. Therefore, when we apply it, we see that the man is commanded to marry two or three or four, but IF he can not be just, then he marries only one. The one, therefore becomes the exception to the rule.

Now, if this is true, then why is it that today, not only is polygyny not the rule, it is the exception, and those who practice it are often criticized? Can it be that we have so many men who consider themselves unjust? I doubt it. I believe it lies in the attitudes of our women, may Allah guide us. We have been brainwashed by the Western ideal of one man-one wife. We need to listen to our scholars, Insha-Allah. So many of them have warned us to look to ourselves because this issue may be the one which makes us Kafir. May Allah (SWT) prevent this from happening. Ameen!

Whenever I discuss this subject with women, the first thing I normally hear, a statement which makes me cringe, is, "But it's not fair..." Allah (SWT) forgive the one who makes such a statement, for it is an utterance of shirk. Ameen!

The One who made polygyny not only halal but also recommended was Allah (SWT), Himself. Therefore, whatever He, in his Great Fairness and Wisdom, has allowed and encouraged is fair by definition.

And to say it is unfair is to say that He (SWT) is unfair. May Allah (SWT) guard our tongues from such blasphemy. Ameen!

Muslim women have to take their minds out of the gutters of the West, and bring them up to the wisdom and purity of Islam's high ground. Polygyny is not an insult to women; it is a sign of respect. How many women would remain husbandless if it were haram?

Sisters, I beg you. Look to your sisters in the Muslim countries. The number of single women has climbed so high that special laws are being created to try to fix the situation (While I know that many of these laws are misguided and based on fear of cultural intermixing, the fact the problem has reached epidemic proportions is undeniable even to them). In some countries, your sisters are having to resort to such misguided practices as temporary marriage, because polygyny is so looked down upon. May Allah (SWT) forgive us for making this so.

Even, when a sister does choose to go into polygyny, her fellow sisters look to her as a traitor, and often treat her worse than an adultress. They akin it to stealing someone's husband. Many of our sisters are ostracized and even humiliated, or worse cursed for practicing an act that our Loving Lord recommended to us. May Allah (SWT) guide us. Ameen! Wallahi, it pains me to see the treatment given to second, third and fourth wives. Sisters, we are so caught up in this idea that we possess our men, that even the second or third wife feels she has a right to prevent the inclusion of another into the relationship that benefitted her.

Where are our minds? Where is our faith in Allah's (SWT)Wisdom? Where is our submission to the Will of Allah (SWT)? Where is our love for each other? Where is the wanting for our sisters what we want for ourselves, namely family, love and happiness? Astagh Ferrullah!!!

We were not placed on this earth to do anything but worship Allah (SWT), and we have to this as He commanded, not as our desires and jealousies guide us. We are allowed to be jealous. Aisha (RA) our Mother was the MOST jealous of any woman, but she did not allow her jealousy to destroy her deen, Alhamdulillah.

I challenge anyone to show me an example where one of the wives of Muhammad (SAW), or one of the female companions, or even one of the second or third generation ever condemned a woman for becoming a second, third or fourth wife. It was accepted as a part of their deen. Sure, women tried to keep their husbands from taking the second, third or fourth wife. Sure they were jealous of each other, but in the end they submitted to their Creator, Allah (SWT).

Sure, they even tried (until the Prophet (SAW) forbid it) to ask for the divorce of the other. But once they knew their limits, they submitted to the Will of Allah (SWT). So why is it so hard for us? Why can we not follow these great examples instead of the examples of the Western woman who has no respect for herself, much less her peers?

Sisters, I am not asking you to go and ask your husbands to take another wife, but I am asking you to accept this as a natural, acceptable, even preferable practice of Islam, Insha-Allah. If you are stronger in your faith, I see only blessings in asking your husband to help out a sister in need by marrying her, Insha-Allah. Imagine yourself a single mother, an unmarried woman past her prime, or a widow, alone without support, Subhana-Allah!

Sisters, these are your sisters, and Allah (SWT) forbid, it could be you one day. Have mercy on these women. Perhaps if they marry your husband or your friend's husband, do not condemn them, curse them, expel them, boycott them or harass them. They have done the best, Masha-Allah. They have married rather than commit haram, Masha-Allah. They have followed the command of Allah (SWT) by completing half their religion (marriage). The one who objects to it, even silently in her heart, has to re-examine her faith in Allah (SWT). She has to accept this as Allah's (SWT) religion and as the superior way, because and -- only because -- Allah (SWT) said that it is so.

May Allah (SWT) guide us all to accept His decree. May Allah (SWT) make us all strong in following, practicing and accepting this great deen in its entirety, and may Allah (SWT) give us the strength faith and support to fight our desires. Ameen!!!

Taken from Muslimah Inspirations.

New Group ' Muslim Sisters In Polygyny'

Salam Alaykum & Hello..

This is just a short message, as i have got to get my philosophy essay finished SubhanAllah and it feels like time is running so fast... please keep me in your dua'a i will be successful insha'Allah.

Have any of you noticed something new in the left hand corner of my blog, its a badge showing i am a member of a polygyny group for women, well hmmm (smiles a little) this is a group i have started up, after the group i participated in sadly closed down.

If any sisters are interested in joining please click the link below

Visit Muslim Sisters In Polygyny


This group is moderated by myself, and other sisters who are also, or about to step into polygyny. This is a women's only group, for women who are currently, about to enter, or who are generally interested in polygyny.

Survivors Are Us

Salam Alaykum & Hello...

I came across this website some time ago, and thought it might be of interest, it has quite a few articles on polygyny it does not look like this site has been updated for a long time. Maybe it will be useful insha'Allah.

Survivors Are Us

Sisters in Polygyny - CLOSED

As Salaamu Alaykum & Hello, Sisters i am sorry to say that this group has closed down... SubhanAllah



I am in the process of talking with some sisters about the possibility of starting up a 'Support Group For Sisters'

Please do share your thoughts on the idea of opening a support group, if it is worth it? would people participate? which network is good for hosting such a group?